Cleopatra

Cleopatra

 

Seldom has there ever been

A more sexy, artful queen

Than the cunning Cleopatra--

An ancient mix of Maggie Thatcher

Crossed with flirty Marylin Munroe

A sort of 50bc X-rated show.

 

Egypt's last pharaoh-queen

Cleo's fizz lit up the scene

Nine languages she could speak

But here's the thing: She was a Greek.

She was not Egyptian as you suppose

But entirely European; look at her nose!

Cleo the Egyptian is a misnomer

She was really from the clan of Homer,

A Ptolemy, as Greek as Ulysses,

Imposter to the throne of Rameses.

 

By a curious twist of fate

Cleo came from Alex the Great.

Alex gave Egypt to Ptolemy—

(An ambitious emperor wannabe)

Who took over all of Egypt

And then laconically quipped

"I must be a god or something divine"

And so, to protect the family line

The Ptolemys did sibling marriage

Talk about incest, talk about damage.

That's how Cleo married her brother—

Ptolemy 13, the son of her mother

The little twerp was ten at the time

(Statutory rape was not a crime).

 

Before her wedding, I must digress,

With a story of intra-family stress

About her dad, Ptolemy the Twelfth

Who fled Egypt for the sake of his health

After rioters demanded his resignation

As Chief Despot (his designation).

As soon as he was out of sight

Cleo's sisters began to fight

To be queen in their dad's place

Which became a two-horse race

Between Bernice and Tryphaena

The wicked fox against the hyena

But Tryphaena mysteriously died

(No family member cried)

And Ptoly 12 came riding home

And reinstated himself on the throne;

But, as luck would have it,

Ptoly 12 soon kicked the bucket

After king #12 comes king #13

But Cleo secretly wanted to be queen

Being a co-regent with a ten-year old

Is a case of 'all that glitters is not gold'.

Young Ptoly was still playing dinky cars,

Marbles with friends in the city's bazaars

He was wet behind the ears, a little raw

So the evil Pothinus became his mentor

And the first thing he did was to exile

Cleo (on charges of being a paedophile)  

 

Now, Cleo—in a fit of panic and alarm—

To survive had to turn on the charm

She headed straight for an old philandering geezer

Also known to the world as Julius Caesar.

He was 52, she was 21

"What I lack in age I make up for in fun!"

He had cash and a big army

She had a body and skin that was swarthy

Cleo did her hair and put on mascara

Step aside, Scarlett O'Hara!

Down went the décolletage, up went the hem

It had worked on countless men.

Into a carpet she wrapped herself

And then, with considerable stealth,

Got smuggled into Caesar's Palace

And sprung out, knocking him off balance.

Her pretty face, her coy smile

Her bronze tan she got on the Nile

She wiggled her butt and did a prance

Poor old Caesar didn't have a chance.

"Smitten, love-struck"—so Caesar thought

"Bewitched, enchanted, I'll eat him for sport,"

As Cleo told her girl friends later―

Cleo was like a romantic alligator

Who ate rich, powerful men alive

Darwinian 'Evolution'―a means to survive.

 

One of Caesar's generals did him betray

A sneaky back-stabber called Pompey.

'Et tu, Pompey?' JC said

And Pompey immediately fled

To Egypt to save his greasy skin

Where he asked Ptoly 13 for protection;

But Ptoly took Pompey's own knife

And used it to end the Roman's life.

"Good riddance," Caesar cried

"Let's attack Egypt," Cleo conspired.

That night as the lovers dined

Cleo begged and annoyingly pined

"If you love me," Cleo drooled,

"Attack Egypt."―JC was fooled.

So Julius captured Alexandria

All for love, all for his dear;

But Ptoly 13 was not one to be slow

He hooked up with Cleos' sister, Arsinoe

And promptly besieged the city

With Caesar inside kissing Miss Pretty.

But JC is a legend of history

And his army smote little Ptolemy,

And sent him packing with a cruel smile

In his haste Ptoly drowned in the Nile

And that was the end of him―

Crocodile fodder, pretty grim.

To celebrate, Cleo married her other brother

Number 14, a Ptoly just like the other;

But Cleo knew JC was a better bet

He was an emperor, don't forget.

She took JC on a cruise up the Nile

And used her talents to him beguile―

A love child she conceived

(And I'm sure you'll be relieved

To learn that he was not named Ptolemy

But 'Caesarion', a dictator mini-me).

Cleo quickly shacked up with JC

And became a national obscenity―

Ensconced in the matrimonial home

The senators feared she'd be queen of Rome

So they stabbed JC in the back

And arms and legs in a parliament knife attack

JC staggered and fell to the floor,

Mumbled to Brutus and was no more.

 

Cleo freaked and fled once more

She'd seen the blood, seen the gore

That's when we meet Mark Antony

Major jock and assassin of JC―

A general with plenty of clout;

And to see what the fuss was about

He wanted to observe Cleo in the flesh

(Which happened to be Cleo's birthday wish)

So she came to Tarsus on a golden barge

Having further dropped the décolletage

Reclining on a velvet bed,

Knee-deep in petals it is said,

Dressed as Venus, surrounded only by females

Quickly M Tony fell off the rails:

How he drooled, how his heart fluttered

He tried to speak but only stuttered

Cleo soon had him seduced

And by sultry hypnosis he was induced

To give land in Syria, Lebanon and Cyprus

To Egyptian most accomplished enchantress.

Together they began to build

An eastern empire―Cleo was thrilled.

Tony left his wife Fulvia,

Who was also known as Octavia,

Octavian's little sister dear―

Tony ought to have had more fear

Because Augustus was a megalomaniac

Who wanted to get Tony back

And kill Caesarion, JC's heir,

In love and war all's not fair.

Cleo soon had Tony's twins

In love and war, Cleo wins.

Octavian raised an army quick

Or even a large navy should do the trick;

But Cleo would not be so easily beat

She just as quickly raised an Egyptian fleet

And then on 2 September 31bc

Off the Greek coast in the Mediterranean Sea,

M Tony and Cleo lost to Octavian

At the now famous Battle of Actium.

Tony died

Cleo survived

Cleo made off to Alexandria

In a state of suicide it would appear

Seeing her dynasty ripped from her family's grasp

In a basket of figs she smuggled in an asp

In the robes of Isis she was dressed

As she fastened the snake to her chest

It's how we remember her best:

The fangs, the poison, the venom, the breast.

Dear Cleopatra, who with Marc Antony

Ended up as a Shakespearean tragedy